


Chocolate Kisses

by wackyjacqs



Series: Bizarre Holidays [10]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Campfires, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-10-07 21:42:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17373794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wackyjacqs/pseuds/wackyjacqs
Summary: "What do you want me to say, Carter? ‘Cause I got nothin'."He was being unnecessarily harsh, but he didn't want to have this conversation at all, let alone off-world, across a campfire, with two potential witnesses.Despite his anger however, Sam's next words stung. "No, sir. I guess you don't."





	Chocolate Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> Written for today's holiday, ‘Bittersweet Chocolate Day’. Set early season six.

Jack turned the bar of chocolate over in his hands. It was an action he’d repeated for twenty minutes as he waited impatiently for his watch to end. Just one more hour to go. He twirled the treat once more and watched the light from the small campfire reflect off the foil wrapping and highlight the writing on the label.

_Bittersweet chocolate with almonds._

Carter’s favorite.

He sighed heavily.

The first time he’d caught Sam eating chocolate had been during their first year together as a team. Ironically, when they thought Daniel had died on Oannes.

The three remaining members of SG-1 had gathered at Jack’s house for the wake and spent a few hours with other members of the SGC as they reminisced about the kooky archaeologist. But it was during one of the colonel’s beverage runs to the kitchen, when he’d found Sam hiding there – and making her way through a bar of chocolate.

He never noticed the young captain eat anything sweet before – aside from blue Jell-O – and it was a discovery he found more interesting than he cared to admit. However, it was only when he’d made some off-handed comment about ruining her dinner, that Carter had shrugged and admitted she only ate chocolate when she was upset.

Ever since Sam’s little revelation, Jack had made a point to keep a bar of her favorite chocolate nearby. He refused to think about why this was, but over the years, he just seemed to know when something left his teammate troubled, and whenever that happened, he would silently leave the chocolate in her lab. Or, when they were off-world, he would stash a bar in his pack.

He never asked, and Carter never said, but they both knew the small gesture was appreciated.

Unfortunately, Jack wasn't sure the same could be said for this occasion.

Movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention and he glanced up to see his second-in-command take a seat at the other side of the campfire. She wasn’t due to start her watch for another hour, but he chose not to say anything. Instead, he held back another sigh and shoved the chocolate into his backpack.

This was the team's first mission off-world with Jonas and while it hadn't necessarily been bad, it hadn't exactly been good.

_Wrong_ was probably the most accurate word to describe it, because while Jonas was now a part of SG-1, the other three members still expected to see Daniel walk through the camp or hear his excited ramblings drift from his tent as he talked about some long-forgotten culture in his sleep.

Jack wouldn't admit it, but trying to get over the loss of his friend was a lot harder than even he expected, so he deliberately didn’t deal with it – which only seemed to add to his guilt.

In the weeks that followed Daniel’s ascension, Sam had tried to talk to him, but he’d shot her down every time, simply telling her that he “didn’t want to hear it”. Instead, he’d focused on moving forward and placed his emotions into the part of his mind where denial and regret ruled.

He ran a hand over his face. He knew Sam had taken Daniel's death incredibly hard. He’d been like a brother to her, and with hindsight, Jack realized he should have been by her side when Daniel left – if only to offer her support as her commanding officer. He had even assured Jacob that he would keep an eye on Sam in the days and weeks following Daniel’s loss. But he hadn’t carried out the man’s wishes at all.

He cast another glance at Carter and winced. Even in the dark surroundings of their camp, he could see the pain etched in her eyes, and as the flames of the fire flickered and cast shadows across her face, it only seemed to intensify the hurt he saw – that he had caused.

His gaze drifted to the star-filled sky and wondered idly where Jacob was in the galaxy right about now. It didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things though, because Jack was in no doubt that the man would probably shoot him right about now if he was here. He shivered at the thought.

"Cold, sir?" came the soft, but even question from across camp.

It wasn't much, but he'd take it. "It's a little chilly, I guess."

When he thought about it, he realized his ass was freezing against the cold ground. He shifted slightly, pulled the zipper higher on his jacket and watched as Sam threw a few small logs onto the fire.

"Thanks, Carter."

"Yes, sir."

"It wasn't an order, you know."

"I know, sir."

He pursed his lips, then sighed. _"Sir."_

He could feel Sam's gaze burning and when he looked up, he was surprised at the coolness in her expression. Ever since the last time he had refused to talk about Daniel and he’d essentially to suck it up, she’d kept her emotions under wraps. It unnerved him. He had always been able to read Carter – knew what she was thinking – but now that he wasn’t able to, it left him feeling seriously disadvantaged.

"Is something wrong, sir?"

Jack eyed her warily. They’d only been two days into the mission and the only words Sam had really uttered to him were, ‘Yes, sir’, ‘No, sir’ and the proverbial ‘Three bags full, sir’.

Knowing he would probably regret the conversation, he stretched his legs out and crossed them at the ankles.

"You tell me."

"Sir?"

"It seems like something’s on your mind."

She snorted in response, but he decided to ignore it and looked at the two tents to his right where Teal’c and Jonas were sleeping before meeting Sam’s gaze.

"You wanna talk about it?" He winced as soon as the words left his lips.

"Talk," Sam repeated slowly. "You want to talk? Now?"

He could hear her disbelief increase with every word and he shifted uncomfortably.

"Ah… no. I asked if _you_ wanted to talk. Not me."

He heard another derisive snort, shortly followed by a muttered, "Figures."

He ran a hand over his face and sighed heavily. When he spoke, his voice was low, but firm. "We've been over this, Carter."

"Have we, sir?"

"For crying out loud," he breathed. "In case you've forgotten, _major_ , we have a job to do. We need to be out there doing it."

"We're talking about _Daniel_ , sir. He's dead."

"He's not dead."

"You know what I mean."

Jack shrugged, but didn't miss the fact that she’d left off his honorific. He waited, watching the various emotions dance across her eyes.

"That's it?" she asked incredulously, parroting his earlier shrug. "After seven years – after _everything_ you have been through together – and that's how you deal with his death?"

"Stand down, major."

"Is that an order?"

Jack bit back a response. Technically, he should have given her a dressing down, but as angry as he was at Carter, he couldn't find it within himself to actually reprimand her, because deep down he knew –in some way – that she was right. He hadn't dealt with their friend's death. He hadn't even started, but sometimes it seemed easier to just try and forget about what happened on Kelowna, than face it. People dealt with grief in different ways after all, and this was Jack's method.

He forced the thoughts aside and studied the flames of the fire, the cracks and pops of the logs the only sounds that broke the tense silence.

"What do you want me to say, Carter? ‘Cause I got nothin'."

He was being unnecessarily harsh, but he didn't want to have this conversation at all, let alone off-world, across a campfire, with two potential witnesses.

Despite his anger however, Sam's next words stung. "No, sir. I guess you don't."

His eyes tracked her movements as she got to her feet and picked up her weapon.

"I'm going to check the perimeter, sir."

With that, she turned and walked away, quickly disappearing into the darkness that surrounded their small camp, while Jack’s attention returned to the fire. He closed his eyes.

"Dammit, Carter."

Not only had his earlier anger suddenly dissipated, but he was left wondering – not for the first time – how he managed to screw things up so badly.

_"O'Neill."_

Jack jumped at Teal'c's quiet address.

" _Shit!_ Teal'c I thought you were Kelno... reeming," he finished lamely.

"You are correct, O’Neill."

Jack raised a brow and waited for him to continue. "However, my attempts to continue in a state of Kelno'reem were, unfortunately, interrupted."

He directed his attention back to the fire. "Oh." 

"I feel it would be best if I commenced my watch now."

Jack frowned at his friend. His expression was unreadable, but his stance said that the point was not up for discussion. Still, it didn't mean he couldn't try.

"Teal’c, your watch isn't due to start for another four hours."

"Perhaps. However, do you not feel it would be more beneficial to use this time wisely?"

"I'm not following you."

"Where is Major Carter?"

Jack grimaced. He should have known by now that not much gets passed the Jaffa.

"Oh. You heard that, huh?" He sighed. "I don't know, Teal’c. Something tells me I'm better staying here."

"On the contrary, O'Neill. You are not needed here."

"What are you trying to say?" he quipped, feigning indignation.

When Teal'c didn't answer, Jack reluctantly got to his feet.

"Samantha Carter is your friend. Do not forget that."

"Yeah. I know," he said. "Hold the fort, T."

"O'Neill," Teal'c quietly called as he started to walk away. He turned and just had enough time to catch his friend’s throw. He studied it and nodded his thanks.

It took Jack a few minutes before he found her. She was standing at the edge of the outcropping they’d discovered the previous day. Sam’s back was to him as she surveyed the scenery below. Aside for some local wildlife, the planet was uninhabited, and if Jack strained his neck he could just make out the valley below, which was spectacularly lit up by hundreds and thousands of fireflies swarming around. Impressed by the light show, he let out a low whistle. Moments later, Sam broke the silence.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

He moved closer to stand just a couple of feet behind her. "Sure."

"For a while, after Daniel left us… I hated you."

Jack frowned, hurt by her words, but a part of him also understood. He hated himself as well.

"For the first time since we've known each other – I hated you."

Slowly, she turned to face him, her eyes filled with tears.

"Carter," he breathed.

"Daniel was  _dying_. My dad – he was _helping_  him – and _you_ told him to stop."

"The healing device wasn't enough, Carter. You know that."

"You told him to stop!"

"I didn't have a choice," he tried to reason, ignoring Sam's raised voice.

"You let him die." 

"I didn't – I did what I had to do," he whispered. "It's what Daniel wanted."

"So you've said." 

He looked at her in surprise. "You don't believe me?" 

Sam shrugged before folding her arms across her chest. "I don't know what to believe anymore," she admitted softly. "For five years, you've fought and pushed and done everything in your power to make sure we always got home safe. And then – when Daniel was lying there – when there was a chance that we could have helped him, you didn't even fight. You just stood there and ordered my dad to stop. Why?"

"I told you. It's what Daniel wanted."

"Didn't you try to convince him that we could save him?"

"Carter –"

"I mean, did he not enjoy being part of SG-1 anymore, or –"

"Carter –"

"Do you even know where he is?"

_"Carter! For crying out loud!"_

His outburst was deafening against the silence of their surroundings.

He lowered his voice, but his anger remained. "What do you want me to say, Sam? You don't think I know any of this? Because I do – and it sucks. And there's not one damn day that goes by where I don't replay that afternoon in my head. And every time, Daniel lives. So, yeah, if I could go back, I'd do whatever it takes to make sure he was still here, but I can't. I have to live with the decision I made, whether I like it or not."

He took a step closer, his voice verging on threatening. "You think you've seen me at my worst, Carter? Think again. But Danny? Yeah, he's come pretty close. He was on Abydos that first time. He knew why I'd signed up – and why I wasn't going back home. And yet –"

He stopped abruptly and closed his eyes. "And yet, that damn archaeologist wouldn't let it go," he mumbled. "I guess he saw something no-one else did, or maybe he just didn't get the memo that I wanted to be left alone, but he was the one who made me finally see that I could go back home. That sacrificing myself wasn't the answer... and I'm still here," he finished, his voice barely above a whisper. "I've Daniel to thank for that. So, don't think for one moment that I don't give a damn about where he is or what's happened to him."

Stunned into silence at his honesty, Sam swiped at the tears that had escaped her. The colonel averted his gaze and she watched as he dug the toe of his right boot into the ground and dislodged some of the soil underneath.

"Sir –"

He could feel Sam's gaze on him, but couldn't look at her. Not after baring more of his soul than he'd ever wanted.

"I'm sorry."

He grimaced at her apology and turned back to face the valley below. He didn't deserve sympathy or an apology. He didn't deserve anything from her.

"Don't, Sam. Just... don't." He huffed out a breath. "I'm the one who's sorry."

"Sir? You don't –"

"Sam? Please."

She fell silent at his plea and slowly moved to stand by his side. She followed his gaze and watched as a dozen fireflies floated over their heads.

"You know, when I was younger, my dad and I used to catch fireflies. We'd have a few of them in a jar and watch them for a while, then let them go. "She hesitated when she glanced at the colonel and saw his eyes – intense and questioning – studying her. "I used to think they were messengers from heaven. I would talk to them, tell them my secrets... and when I was finished, I'd set them free – and hope they'd take my messages back to who they were intended for."

Her voice wavered slightly, but she continued. "The last time my dad and I – it was just after my mom died. I remember sitting in our back yard. Dad didn't say anything. He just watched as I captured the fireflies, talked to them, and let them go."

Jack's gaze finally shifted to the lit valley below. "It's beautiful."

He didn't elaborate, but that was fine for them both.

"Do you think Daniel's – do you think he's OK?"

Jack thought back to the last conversation he’d had with his friend.

_I'm ready to move on._

_You just giving up?_

_No. No, I'm not giving up, believe me. I can do more this way. It's what I want. Everything's gonna be fine._

"Yeah. I do," he answered honestly.

A light breeze swirled around Jack and he slipped his hands into the pocket of his jacket only for his hand to hit off something cold. Suddenly, he remembered what it was and his fingers wrapped around the bar of chocolate Teal'c had thrown in his direction earlier.

He took a deep breath. "What about us, Carter?"

"Sir?"

"Are we gonna be OK?"

She looked at him, then down at the bar of chocolate he held. He tapped it gently against the fingers of his left hand, in an almost nervous gesture, and Sam smiled softly.

"We're OK."

He nodded, but didn't let go of the chocolate.

"C'mere," he murmured, relieved when Sam willingly stepped into his embrace.

He buried his face in her neck and took a deep breath. Another light breeze encompassed the couple and Jack looked up to the sky as he held Sam. The fireflies were moving in an elegant formation above them and as quickly as it had appeared, the breeze was gone, as were the fireflies.

Jack smiled softly. For the first time since Daniel had ascended, he truly believed that everything would be okay.


End file.
